The Last Week

This is my last week here. I don't know what happened Monday afternoon, but I think it was kind of like the floodgates opened and all of a sudden I'm drowning in work.

Apparently people just got the picture that I am actually leaving. No slipping through the back door here.

All projects that I've had my hands in during the past nearly two years are now on my plate to document, pass on or finish.

Monday someone hacked into our servers and the 102 template e-mails that I wrote were gone. One on every subject having to do with advertising that could possibly relate to us. There is some data in a file, but none of it is templated or formatted right. That's all in my head, so I spent Monday and Tuesday trying to sort through that mess and create a new database, listenting to Bright Eyes and John Mayer mixed. Quite a combo. Editing and writing all these letters, trying to see them as important in the stream of time and give my attention. I do feel bad leaving with many documents only saved in my head, but ce la vie.

Most of my mind really thinking about the Hutu and Tootsie genocide and wondering how we can live in a world where 1 million people are killed with machetes because of their race. It must be the last days. See "Hotel Rwanda" if you think you're up to it. It's amazing that happened in 1994.

Apparently when I came to work sick last week and did research and recommendations for a link project, my research was no good (probably because I was sick). I had the wrong mindset, thinking about advertisers instead of selling to consumers.

So, The Eagle and I hovered over his desk all day yesterday and redid all those recommendations, not agreeing on anything, until finally I gave up and stopped voicing my opinions. I know that makes him mad because he wants me to be thinking and he needs someone to feed ideas off of.

When I zone out for a second his eyes dart over at me "where are you?" he asks. "You know enough about SEO to do this. Don't ask questions like that! What are you thinking? I trained you in this!"

Nice cut. I know I know this, but I just can't focus on it. He knows I'm not focusing and it's pissing him off. Yet, we both hate having our work ethics insulted.

I finally told him what I really think about him and his life and his choices. Speaking very quietly (I know this place is bugged.) I told him he's being brainwashed into thinking his ego and self-esteem are all tied up here, taking orders from a computer-illiterate idiot, when he is brilliant guy who should be calling some shots, especially since he IS all they have left. He has a wife and child to support and he's barely older than I am. I told him I hate to think of him alone trying to pull this barge and having a family, and a pregnant wife in college. I tried to tell him that if it sinks it not his failure, he could walk. He seemed to hear me, but who knows.

I just feel buried here. He saw me at lunch today, came by and talked to me about some of his ideas. He feels like he missed the exit window, but he's got to have a little more faith in himself. I do genuinely worry about him, and am grateful. To him and Alli, for teaching me so much about writing and about how the Internet works. It's been a great experience learning here.

Maybe it's the stress of leaving the first feeling of job and financial security I ever felt in my life, who knows. But leaving is hard and I catch myself crying for no reason.

Not to mention...my school just called to let me know documents I sent never made it. I have two days to find the work, which seems to have disappeared from my laptop, conveniently. College essays are just not what I had in mind for this week, but it's what I'll be doing I guess.

Then there are certain egocentrical people who start in with awful guilt-trips because I'm not available. True friends don't demand your every last breath when you're trying to get through a hard week.

Oh, and selling your car on eBay to someone in Africa...is generally a bad idea...right? At least I'm assuming so.

It'll all be fine, I know, just take a deep breath. Things always look really big and important when you are in the middle of them, but when I step back, they're not. It's nice to be able to do that, something I appreciate because I couldn't alway do it.

Stuff passes, rather quickly actually. It's such a beautiful day out. There are really good things now and in my future I'm thinking about. Things, people, I never thought I'd have. Really, really good things and people. Happy thoughts.

Soon I'll be riding an elephant.